Opening Up To It
The title of this artwork came in as “The Unseen Impact of Psychological Abuse.” I’ve been digging deep into what that is. Sharing is a way to help it rise to the surface for other, for those who hear my journey. It is also way to be witnessed and supported in my wholeness.
I can say I was abused. And although my family tried its best to be good people, doing good in the world, I was abused. It is what happened to all of us in my family. The abuse originated a long time ago, and I have move through it in many different ways. I had moved beyond the core of it, that is until now. What I needed to navigate at this time, was the hidden aspect of my abuse.
My parents did their best to care and provide for their children. By all standards of my childhood was good. But my mother was riddled with anxiety and had outburst of anger. They weren’t often but not having a clear sense of where they came from, they why or when, left a tear in the fabric of my being. Around that tear formed compensating behaviors, the carry over of abuse. In the process, my voice, my sense of self, my choice got squelched. It happens in survival mode and they, like all humanity, had been living in that state. My parents wanted their children to thrive and figure that what had helped them come out of the war and lack was a winning formula. But the formula didn’t fit me and who I was and my expression was suppressed.
ABUSE VS THE CARRY OVER
There’s abuse and there’s the carry over from the abuse. I have found that while abuse is easier to identify, the carryover seems to mostly be unrealized. It hides itself in”personality traits” and habits that become so engrained in us that we just assume they are our unique personality. Many remnants show up as preferences that have developed around the trauma of the original impact. These past weeks I have delved into the carry over for myself.
Instead of getting fancy and explaining all of these findings, I’m going to simply list what I have found for myself. I invite you to look over and consider each of these for yourself in the context of your experience. Consider that the abuser is not just the original person, but also all of their ‘stand ins’. By this I mean people who show up in your life with the same demeanor or way of being as the original abuser. Keep in mind that the demeanor is not just mean, ugly, and nasty, but also kind, generous, and caring. It’s about the end result, not the presentation.
WHAT THE HIDDEN IMPACT CAN SHOW UP AS
- Preferring to be by one’s self or never wanting to be alone
- The voice pitch shifting up or down, adjusting to the circumstance, condition or another persons comment. It’s sounding as other than how you feel, and a way of hiding
- Having a more nomadic lifestyle and moving to new place rather regularly
- Trying to figure out one’s calling in life and never finding a clear answer
- Addressing the surface issue and not what’s actually going on in the situation of for one’s self
- Not expressing what one is actually feeling, instead remaining polite or neutral, even when one is not being respected
- Finding a valid reason for the abuser’s actions, even forgiving them, when their actions are truly unwarranted (eg S/He’s just upset because it was a bad day at work today)
- Not walking out on a person or situation and saying ‘no more’ in word or action in doing so
- Not staying put and facing off with a person or situation and saying ‘no more’ in word or action in doing so
- Siding with the abuser for whatever reason (known as Stockholm Syndrome)
- Not being able to ‘punch back’ in action or words in one’s defense
- Not being able to say no to anything you don’t care about, don’t want, or aren’t interested in
- Having a difficult time making or expressing your decisions or preferences around others
- Not being sure of what you like or want
- Acquiescing to others’ wishes to be seen as generous and kind (this adds up to being valued for one’s actions instead of just for one’s being)
- Avoiding intimacy, which is about revealing one’s self, or going into it too easily and quickly
- Not being paid or not asking to be paid what your work is worth
- Trying hard to do it right or get it right with whatever you are doing
- Always trying to find a solution for whatever comes up (behind which is – there’s always something you are trying to figure out and resolve without ever being able to)
- Intolerance to non-resolution – things being left open
- Having and knowing the answer for everything
- Isolation of self through a solitary activity, such as reading or watching TV a lot, etc.
- Making sure the attention is always on one’s self (could be called narcissism)
- Making sure the tension is never one oneself
- Wanting, expecting, demanding to have everything taken care of by others
- Not knowing if one should do X or one should do Y – e.g. two ways of doing something and not being able to figure out or choose which one to do
- Not letting one’s self be taken care of
- Having the exact and best piece of information, THE solution to what another needs
- Being organized and detailed, even meticulous with things
- Having to win or be THE best at everything
THE WHY
In and of themselves, none of these are necessarily off-springs of abuse. It’s in the why behind any of these. What is it that’s motivating us internally, subconsciously with any one of these is the question. Am I isolating because I need to have a deeper rest to recenter myself or am I isolating from a place of anxiety and inability to face a situation?
In Part 2: Looking more deeply at our choices, A truer definition of abuse, & how to turn it into a positive indicator
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